In a hurry one day, all right a needless blind panic, I led myself into something of a mix up not to say fiasco. Let me be honest it was a farce, one of my favourite comedic theatrical disciplines albeit I wasn’t trying to be theatrical nor funny at the time. That said it was a ludicrously improbable and absurd event executed as stated, under the guise of haste. The adage more haste, less speed comes immediately to mind. Adding insult to injury and regrettably, I was sober. 

I had several letters to mail and as per my norm, quite a number of library books to return. I drove to my local library which conveniently has a mailbox very close by albeit I had missed the day’s collection. I parked the car, gathered up my stuff and headed first for the mail box. It was about a nanosecond after I had put the last of the library books into the mailbox that I realised what I had done! Multitasking gone mad under circumstances apparently only partially under my control to paraphrase a BBC radio announcement of yore when they had screwed up which was surprisingly often when I was a kid in England in the last century. 

Of course there was no way of retrieving the books short of ambushing the mailman which would in fact not be possible until the next day according to the collection schedule. No worries I will just call the post office I thought and no doubt they will sort the thing out in an instant. I did feel rather foolish but that is nothing new. I toyed momentarily with putting my actual mail in the library’s book slot to sort of balance things out. Not a good idea I mailed them pronto.

I collected some new library books, being careful not to mail them as well, went home and later called the post office. Yes I know I should have immediately called on my ‘always turned on for instantaneous availability cellphone’, this preferably whilst simultaneously dancing a sailor’s horn pipe, balancing a beer on my head and taking photographs of bald eagles but I am old school to a fault. I’m sorry but forethought works for me. 

The post office was closed when I called it being past their bedtime so I called the next morning. I explained my ineptitude, blamed it on not having been drinking and asked them how long it might take their man or woman to take the books out of the mailbox and transport them the twenty feet or so to the library. They said they had no idea but assured me they would take care of things. Naturally I thought that when the postman collected the mail from the box he or she would instinctively just walk the twenty feet or so to the library and deposit the books – being careful not to deposit some of the newly collected mail as well. (Hey, it could happen).  

I figured on leaving it a couple of days before I checked with the post office that the books were safely back in the library. I did so and then made the call. Oh they said, that’s not how it is done. We first bring them to the post office. Don’t tell me I said, you then mail them to the library. No they said. We will keep them until someone picks them up. OK I said that would be me. Since they were taken from the mailbox by your posty you must have them already so where can I pick them up? We don’t have them yet he said and when we do, you will have to get authorization from the library before you can pick them up. It gets worse. 

I called the post office several times over many weeks. Still no sign of the books. Perhaps the posty was reading them I mused. I kept the library appraised of my lack of progress and of the mail system’s crass ineptitude rivaling if not topping, mine and then some. 

I believe it was about two months before the library called me with the news that the books had been returned, mailed to them by the post office. So much for the post office wanting and telling me to pick them up! Very kindly the library did not charge me anything for the overdue time. As for the post office …….

NB: i.e. Nota Bene. Not Written by ChatGPT but by Barry H. Devonald.

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